So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
