Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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