Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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