We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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