i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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