Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
