Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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