I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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