happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize