I'm eating all of the evidence.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
