she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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