Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize