I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
