so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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