Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
