when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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