if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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