I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
