so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
