yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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