I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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