I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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