I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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