Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
