And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
