After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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