Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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