it's too hot outside to masturbate.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
