i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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