well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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