I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize