At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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