just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
