he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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