Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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