i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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