ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
