i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize