You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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