I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
