mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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