did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
