the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
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