I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
