its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
