I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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