Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
