Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
