her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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