i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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