can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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