I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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