the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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