Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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