my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
