Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
