you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
