Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
