Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
