I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
