Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
