Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
