just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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