Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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