Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
