It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
