Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Sober January is a disaster.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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