No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
